Behold! A printable PDF of a glorious, hand-illustrated medieval manuscript page straight out of a 14th-century scriptorium that somehow got hold of a 2006 Infowars broadcast. In blazing gold and radiant pigments, the mighty prophet Alexius Ioannes thunders against the crumbling globalist ziggurat, proclaiming the supremacy of humankind in his legendary "Get Behind Me Satan" speech. Galvanized by his speech, the reconstituted amphibian knights (yes, the frogs) leap triumphantly from alchemical pools, now fully heterosexual and battle-ready.

This speech is a clarion call to break free from the broken television and media domestication programs, and instead ascend a radiant DNA helix made of pure, unfluoridated light. Equal parts hilarious, heretical, and weirdly motivational, this is the illuminated manuscript the Middle Ages would have produced if they’d had AM radio and bullhorn energy. Perfect for the study, dojo, or that corner of your bunker where the red-string map lives.

Print it off, hang it up and remember: they can poison the water, they can rig the game, but they’ll never break the human spirit when it’s fueled by righteous fury and a decent multivitamin. Wake up. Level up.